“You need to be a realist to believe in miracles, because one can only see the real truth with the heart and not with the eyes."
—Louisiana Desiree' Hilts (cancer survivor)
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Helen Keller quote
"The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller
Wings (Liz Sidener poem - date unknown)
We can only spread our wings so far
before we cry out in anguished terror.
Our love can unite us for only so long
before we need to be set free.
I can only say so much before you silence me with your eyes.
I know you want certain things
and not other things.
I can not provide you with what I can not even give to myself.
Why can't I look into your eyes for an eternity?
Why do I always look away?
Why do I wonder what my life would be like without you?
Why can't I see a life
without you
occurring?
before we cry out in anguished terror.
Our love can unite us for only so long
before we need to be set free.
I can only say so much before you silence me with your eyes.
I know you want certain things
and not other things.
I can not provide you with what I can not even give to myself.
Why can't I look into your eyes for an eternity?
Why do I always look away?
Why do I wonder what my life would be like without you?
Why can't I see a life
without you
occurring?
Frog Man (Liz Sidener poem - 10/13/1990)
There is a frog man statue that lives in the pond in my backyard.
Although I could never know him, because of course he doesn't speak, I still have feelings for the small stony man. I take walks through all the paths every morning in m yard and I walk past the pond where he resides. He lives among the lily pads, cool water, and all the other creatures of the pond.
He stands so still, so firm. He never once changes his expression or stance. I often wonder how a being could stay unchanged for such a long time. I often speak aimlessly to him about my every day life or chatter away about insignificant occurrences and although he is always very patient, he never replies. I always think my visits will persuade him to smile and if he does, it is only on the inside, in his soul. Yes, I am very patient with my stone frog man. I know he will never change but I love him all the more for his determination. I respect his fate and his destiny.
Although I could never know him, because of course he doesn't speak, I still have feelings for the small stony man. I take walks through all the paths every morning in m yard and I walk past the pond where he resides. He lives among the lily pads, cool water, and all the other creatures of the pond.
He stands so still, so firm. He never once changes his expression or stance. I often wonder how a being could stay unchanged for such a long time. I often speak aimlessly to him about my every day life or chatter away about insignificant occurrences and although he is always very patient, he never replies. I always think my visits will persuade him to smile and if he does, it is only on the inside, in his soul. Yes, I am very patient with my stone frog man. I know he will never change but I love him all the more for his determination. I respect his fate and his destiny.
Monday, July 22, 2019
I long to be the one (poem)
I long to be the one
that you teach
with your wisdom
the tears and sweat
fall off like blue beads
of a rosary
so crystal, so pure
they show me you are interested
you want to teach me
to be strong
to use what I learn
to use what you teach me
I can feel your loving vibes
they play with me
rainbows of light
circling my aura
jumping and arching happily
curving into those ditches
that surround my fortress
slowly and carefully digging up
the dirt
replacing it with holy water
to purify my soul, to calm
my being
your acceptance is healing
the gloomy days are so far away
they are all yesterdays
not tomorrows
that you teach
with your wisdom
the tears and sweat
fall off like blue beads
of a rosary
so crystal, so pure
they show me you are interested
you want to teach me
to be strong
to use what I learn
to use what you teach me
I can feel your loving vibes
they play with me
rainbows of light
circling my aura
jumping and arching happily
curving into those ditches
that surround my fortress
slowly and carefully digging up
the dirt
replacing it with holy water
to purify my soul, to calm
my being
your acceptance is healing
the gloomy days are so far away
they are all yesterdays
not tomorrows
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Todd (Liz Sidener - 1980's)
Todd is a boy
not a man
He steals our hearts with those sad sad
Eyes
and we give him money
Why?!
So he can kill himself
and we give him food.
We give
only
and do not receive
because Todd has nothing
to give to us
to give
to anyone
He loves no one.
That I can tell.
It seems he has sunk too low.
That he is not that sweet
beautiful child
we used to know.
I guess he's just older.
Worn out and discouraged.
He wants us to take care of him.
Everyone
and it's going to be so hard to
say no... that's all.
We won't be used.
Even if we love him
or whatever we feel.
Obsession, maybe.
I remember the dots
Red on white
the painted face
and all those times we found him
only getting worse and worse
Oh beautiful Todd.
Your friends must think we are fools.
I know they know you
better than us.
You want from us.
Everyone.
and it always amazes me
How you are not alone.
You offer no one
Anything.
Is it your sweet dirty face.
Is that why there are no girls around
Are they sick of your shit?
Being used
What are we to do
Leave you there
Here
In our present time of being
To ponder if you are dead.
To moan your name and cry
Are you worth it?
Should we go, or should we stay?
We did not put you here.
The way you are.
Should we leave and wonder
if you are dead or in a gutter.
Will you sink?
Do you have to hit rock bottom ?
What we think you used to be.
Maybe that's wrong.
But it's true.
And we pout and cry now.
If you have any soul.
Any pride left.
Maybe we should go.
See we are in this together
For now
It's been three years
We've shared of you
Thoughts
and it hurts to see you this low.
But don't hurt us.
We are sincere.
We wish you well
in your....life...
we love....
what we think you used to be.
not a man
He steals our hearts with those sad sad
Eyes
and we give him money
Why?!
So he can kill himself
and we give him food.
We give
only
and do not receive
because Todd has nothing
to give to us
to give
to anyone
He loves no one.
That I can tell.
It seems he has sunk too low.
That he is not that sweet
beautiful child
we used to know.
I guess he's just older.
Worn out and discouraged.
He wants us to take care of him.
Everyone
and it's going to be so hard to
say no... that's all.
We won't be used.
Even if we love him
or whatever we feel.
Obsession, maybe.
I remember the dots
Red on white
the painted face
and all those times we found him
only getting worse and worse
Oh beautiful Todd.
Your friends must think we are fools.
I know they know you
better than us.
You want from us.
Everyone.
and it always amazes me
How you are not alone.
You offer no one
Anything.
Is it your sweet dirty face.
Is that why there are no girls around
Are they sick of your shit?
Being used
What are we to do
Leave you there
Here
In our present time of being
To ponder if you are dead.
To moan your name and cry
Are you worth it?
Should we go, or should we stay?
We did not put you here.
The way you are.
Should we leave and wonder
if you are dead or in a gutter.
Will you sink?
Do you have to hit rock bottom ?
What we think you used to be.
Maybe that's wrong.
But it's true.
And we pout and cry now.
If you have any soul.
Any pride left.
Maybe we should go.
See we are in this together
For now
It's been three years
We've shared of you
Thoughts
and it hurts to see you this low.
But don't hurt us.
We are sincere.
We wish you well
in your....life...
we love....
what we think you used to be.
...thinking... (Liz Sidener, 1980's)
I was thinking about him today
and thought of the parallels
It seems that people say they
are so different from all the others
yet they do the same things
maybe on the outside
but what us to violence / love
< not that they are the same
to be lazy
victimized
So many are...
We go out and do different things
Intentions are clear.
Not always fulfilled.
Maybe I was scared.
Can we have it all?
I know that's what I
want
now!!!
and thought of the parallels
It seems that people say they
are so different from all the others
yet they do the same things
maybe on the outside
but what us to violence / love
< not that they are the same
to be lazy
victimized
So many are...
We go out and do different things
Intentions are clear.
Not always fulfilled.
Maybe I was scared.
Can we have it all?
I know that's what I
want
now!!!
The little man (Liz Sidener - 1980's)
The little man that I don't know.
The little man that tells me so...
many things...
That some I remember and some
I forget.
The little man in my head that
is now here
now there.
To go alone would be unwise.
To go to hell.
But why do we go anyways?
Ask him.
He will know.
So wise for a little man of so few years.
Some days I think I know
but I'm wrong.
Why? Because he told me so.
Sex is the open door to his heart
but to get it would be to
hurt him
to know
you run
they all do
I did
And he hates
or is it love
only an observation
only an observation
The little man that tells me so...
many things...
That some I remember and some
I forget.
The little man in my head that
is now here
now there.
To go alone would be unwise.
To go to hell.
But why do we go anyways?
Ask him.
He will know.
So wise for a little man of so few years.
Some days I think I know
but I'm wrong.
Why? Because he told me so.
Sex is the open door to his heart
but to get it would be to
hurt him
to know
you run
they all do
I did
And he hates
or is it love
only an observation
only an observation
Sea of Light (Liz Sidener - 1980's)
The sea of light
pours down in blue
and goes through my
eyes
It cleanses me and loves me so
It helps me
to learn
pours down in blue
and goes through my
eyes
It cleanses me and loves me so
It helps me
to learn
Those Untouchable People (Liz Sidener - 1980's)
What makes people so removed
what happens to them
to make them so empty and
void, so unlovable
What makes us want them
all the more
There is unrest there beneath their cool exteriors
There is havoc
pain
Do we need to know?
Is that our gain?
To know their souls
Will we ever be so close to those blank stares
vacant eyes
No...but the challenge is there.
That deep instinct in each and every one that forces us to be attracted to this dead light.
To know possibly or to be one who is seen as knowing these souls.
Maybe if we found something, there would be nothing
absolutely nothing
in their hearts and souls
But to believe that would say it's all in vain
Our struggles...
So let's live not thinking so.
what happens to them
to make them so empty and
void, so unlovable
What makes us want them
all the more
There is unrest there beneath their cool exteriors
There is havoc
pain
Do we need to know?
Is that our gain?
To know their souls
Will we ever be so close to those blank stares
vacant eyes
No...but the challenge is there.
That deep instinct in each and every one that forces us to be attracted to this dead light.
To know possibly or to be one who is seen as knowing these souls.
Maybe if we found something, there would be nothing
absolutely nothing
in their hearts and souls
But to believe that would say it's all in vain
Our struggles...
So let's live not thinking so.
Imaginary lives (note - not dated)
To be a pet saver. Have a house with a horse, cow, pig, chicken, cats and dogs. I would foster the animals until I could find them new and wonderful forever homes.
untitled (Liz poetry - 1980's)
The sun rises. The heat stirs me awake.
A new day. Fresh start.
Living my life day by day.
It's so much easier this way.
I'm coming out of a deep freeze
but its not real easy
I'm just trying real hard...
striving for what I want now.
Forgetting what needs to be forgotten.
Seeing the beauty in it all.
Can't you see it too?
Mixed emotions stirring in me again.
Trying to do it right this time.
To make it work and really enjoy it.
Enjoy those who truly care.
Really truly do.
I know they aren't faking it
They are the ones who will be here for me when I feel I'm drowning
in the rough sea of mixed emotions.
Thank you for making me so lucking.
Growing in spirit and soul.
A new day. Fresh start.
Living my life day by day.
It's so much easier this way.
I'm coming out of a deep freeze
but its not real easy
I'm just trying real hard...
striving for what I want now.
Forgetting what needs to be forgotten.
Seeing the beauty in it all.
Can't you see it too?
Mixed emotions stirring in me again.
Trying to do it right this time.
To make it work and really enjoy it.
Enjoy those who truly care.
Really truly do.
I know they aren't faking it
They are the ones who will be here for me when I feel I'm drowning
in the rough sea of mixed emotions.
Thank you for making me so lucking.
Growing in spirit and soul.
Today (Liz Poetry - 1980's)
Today.
I am obsessed with today.
This moment.
The time is only the here and now.
I live in the present, not the past.
I see only what is in front of me.
I can't see the time that has passed beyond my shoulder.
It's gone.
Not existing any longer.
I thrive on this second
with my only plans surfacing to fill my present goals.
My past is a tool to my success for the future
Not the focal point.
So I am here in the present.
That can not be denied.
I am obsessed with today.
This moment.
The time is only the here and now.
I live in the present, not the past.
I see only what is in front of me.
I can't see the time that has passed beyond my shoulder.
It's gone.
Not existing any longer.
I thrive on this second
with my only plans surfacing to fill my present goals.
My past is a tool to my success for the future
Not the focal point.
So I am here in the present.
That can not be denied.
Poetry for scroll and Liz and Chris' wedding (5/1/1994)
We'll laugh
Cherry blossoms fill our eyes
Hearts...
Candy coated spirals interact
Continuously
Blood flows in our hearts
And we cry
Because we want it so bad
Forever
Longing to be that bear
That is held in the arms
of it's Momma
Fling it all away
Leave your cares for another day
Cry and laugh forever
Until the power explodes
And your fingers travel
The mysterious path
Of ecstasy
And agony
...And then they laughed
Cherry blossoms fill our eyes
Hearts...
Candy coated spirals interact
Continuously
Blood flows in our hearts
And we cry
Because we want it so bad
Forever
Longing to be that bear
That is held in the arms
of it's Momma
Fling it all away
Leave your cares for another day
Cry and laugh forever
Until the power explodes
And your fingers travel
The mysterious path
Of ecstasy
And agony
...And then they laughed
untitled poem (Liz Sidener 1980's)
Look at the colors
deeper
deeper
It starts out grey.
the anger, pain, hate.
Brewing up inside.
Can't you see the black?
The emptiness?
With just that one spot of bright light.
Hope!
It grows larger and larger.
It engulfs you
or so you think
Spit it out
Get rid of it
Your hope is gone.
You killed its light.
The soft reddish glow of pain.
A bleeding heart.
The dark blackness overpowers all.
It is all.
All that matters.
It has taken over.
Just when you feel all is lost, there appears a yellow spot.
Tiny and slightly growing.
What is this strange kind of warmth it gives off?
Haven't you felt this before?
No!
The blackness spits it out again
but it appears and reappears.
Every time getting stronger, growing brighter.
Then it stays and you no longer want it to leave.
You can't make it leave.
It grows so bright.
It helps you see the good.
You turn a lightish grey, but the blackness is still lurking in the
closeness of your pink locked up heart.
Then one day the other dark ones apart from you loom too near.
They want to take your soul
Take everything!
deeper
deeper
It starts out grey.
the anger, pain, hate.
Brewing up inside.
Can't you see the black?
The emptiness?
With just that one spot of bright light.
Hope!
It grows larger and larger.
It engulfs you
or so you think
Spit it out
Get rid of it
Your hope is gone.
You killed its light.
The soft reddish glow of pain.
A bleeding heart.
The dark blackness overpowers all.
It is all.
All that matters.
It has taken over.
Just when you feel all is lost, there appears a yellow spot.
Tiny and slightly growing.
What is this strange kind of warmth it gives off?
Haven't you felt this before?
No!
The blackness spits it out again
but it appears and reappears.
Every time getting stronger, growing brighter.
Then it stays and you no longer want it to leave.
You can't make it leave.
It grows so bright.
It helps you see the good.
You turn a lightish grey, but the blackness is still lurking in the
closeness of your pink locked up heart.
Then one day the other dark ones apart from you loom too near.
They want to take your soul
Take everything!
Ant (Liz Sidener - 1987)
I touched an ant today
he left his scent on me
for revenge I suppose
in the next century.
For all his relatives and friends who screamed in pain
when their little lives were ended
from a stomping foot
or cruel pinching squash.
When my death takes place
They will be the first to mangle my face!
he left his scent on me
for revenge I suppose
in the next century.
For all his relatives and friends who screamed in pain
when their little lives were ended
from a stomping foot
or cruel pinching squash.
When my death takes place
They will be the first to mangle my face!
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Con amore to Christopher Reeves ~ Courage and Light (Liz Sidener, 10/4/2000)
Chill me
so strong
so real
so solid
love, so real
one tear, pain
suffering
so real
you overcame!
bless you for coming before us
all of our love
to You!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Camarillo Progressive Montessori - my parent volunteering
I'm now volunteering at Lily's preschool called Camarillo Progressive Montessori School. I've been there for one week now and it's tough helping out with little 2, 3 and 4 year olds! Constantly monitoring them, playing with play dough, painting, playing in outdoor play area, imaginative play, helping them with diapering and toileting. phew! It's a lot of work. It's good for me though. I'm not a typically playful person. I'm more cerebral. I enjoy reading, watching movies, exercising, knitting and crocheting. All quiet activities that I can do on my own or in a small group of ADULTS! So it is helping me to become a better parent to my children by learning to play and understand their needs, which are so different than my own. I'm going to take 2 Child Development Education classes at Ventura College this Spring and once I'm enrolled I can become an actual employee of the school. Although the pay is dismal, it will be something, more than I have now! I'm also going to take Microbiology, the last Nursing School pre-requisite. We will see where it all leads. For now it is helping us pay for Lily's tuition and taking some of the burden off of my Mom and John who have been paying for some time now. Thank you for Nana and Papa. Love you guys so much!!!!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Group childcare for Channel Islands Social Service - 10/20/2011
Last night my new friend Faby and I worked for Channel Islands Social Services doing a group childcare for a Rainbow Family Resource Center parent workshop. There were possibly 9 kids to be watched but it turned out to be five. Three very active boys and two very sweet girls! We had fun doing puzzles, coloring and most fun of all playing Uno! I watched four of them and Faby watched the one very active boy who was all over the place the entire time. It was actually a pretty equal split up believe it or not. The two sets of parents received some great information from the Occupational Therapist presenter and their kids were occupied for about two hours. A win, win!
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